How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

My dreams include people. I like solitary activities like reading, playing piano, and jogging, but I don't dream of them. So people are really important to me deep down, but I'm more comfortable avoiding the uncertainty of interacting.

When I had this insight about my dreams I started reaching out more and see that this is indeed what I want -- more contact and bonding. At about the same time I read an essay by Paul Graham, an intelligent programmer and entrepreneur that I respect. He recommended "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and sure enough it is a fabulous book which really cannot be summarized because its heart is the personal stories that he tells about famous people such as Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt or about students in his many seminars.

To give the flavor, Part One has three fundamental techniques of handling people. Chapter One starts with examples of murderers and other criminals who do not accept criticism for these awful acts and try to justify them. His point is that criticism is not accepted even for the most serious offenses, let alone for lesser transgressions. He says "Criticism is futile because it puts a man on the defensive, and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a man's precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses his resentment." Toward the end of the chapter he says, "Instead of condemning people, let's try to understand them. Let's try to figure out why they do what they do. That's a lot more profitable and intriguing than cricism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness."

Chapter Two of Part One shows how people desire a feeling of importance, and concludes with the recommendation to "Give honest, sincere appreciation." Chapter Three raises the question "Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want. So the only way on earth to influence the other fellow is to talk about what he wants and show him how to get it."

The interesting anecdotes make the reading easy. The book has six parts and each part has several principles(37 in all) that could be listed to provide a one-page reminder of how to win friends and influence people. Carnegie taught mostly sales representatives and managers, but the principles generally apply. They concentrate on the other person, developing the reader's ability to interact that facilitates contact and bonding and opens up the happiness and joy that results.

This book was first published in 1936. My copy is an 86th printing of the paperback edition published in 1968.